Feeling foreign

So today is one of those days. You know how much I hate sounding like a downer and writing about how I feel that the chemo is getting to me but today it is and I'm going to be honest (and maybe this will give you a glimpse of how my Thursday and Friday after treatment are when I don't have the energy to type a blog). I feel like an alien today. Ok ok get your chuckle out but it's true. I am sitting here in a meeting and I feel like my mind is in someone elses body - and that makes me feel less normal mentally as well.

I'm not sick to my stomach bt it just feels off. Not knotted, not painful, but not normal. I guess the closest that I could relate it would be how your gut feels after a long night of drinking - malnourished, coated with the wrong substance. It makes me feel like I'd much rather go get a greasy burger and fries but that is just as bad for me.

I don't have a headache but my mind and head feel drained. It doesn't Hirt but it feels like something has my head in a vice. I'm not tired but I also feel it is difficult to focus and that I don't feel like adding to conversation because I feel like I'd be 2 minutes behind reality.

Eating lunch helped a little bit. Having some grape juice tasted good going down but now I feel like I'm going back to how I was feeling before.

I'm hungover and I didn't even have a good night last night out on the town. One thing I know is true is that I feel bad for anyone with any type of chemical dependancy. Killing the cancer cells depends on these chemicals but I don't feel dependant on it. But for how these chemicals mess with my system I would hate to have any type of chemical dependancy. I don't like it. In fact I can't wait til tomorrow and hope it's a better day - maybe I'll be better in a few hours. All I know is that right now I'm holding back a tear in my eye and I miss my old self.