My heart poured out...

Today it has been four weeks since our beautiful baby was born into heaven.

And our baby was beautiful.  His ten little fingers and ten little toes.  His elbows and knees.  His smile and nose and ears.  Everything about him was perfect.  Perfect in the tiniest most delicate way possible.  I wanted to hold him forever but instead our Mother in heaven cradles him for me while I keep his image in my heart and mind.

Just typing these words has tears flowing down my cheeks.  But this is nothing new in these days.  Tears can be therapeutic. soothing.  cleansing.   With each tear I feel some of the acute pain flowing out of my being.  But there are times when I have to keep the tears in check.  So typing this blog is allowing me to release all those tears that have not been able to be released.  The tears that well up from my heart when other mothers announce their wonderful news of pregnancies and births or when someone unknowingly asks when we plan to "get Gabbie a baby brother or sister."  That happy mother deserves to be greeted and congratulated with overwhelming excitement and congratulations.  And my heart is so very happy for that person, but also heavy for myself.  That unknowing person has no ill-intentions.  And yet my heart feels daggers of anguish.  Not longing for just any next baby, but for our second child that has already gone ahead of us.

Gabriella has a little sibling.  We do not know scientifically if our baby was a boy or girl, but I felt in my heart that our child was a boy.  And so we tell Gabriella about her baby brother in heaven.  Our little Joseph Michael, who is watching over us and praying for us.